I (Chrissy) wrote this post in the fall of 2016 and did not finish it until now, July of 2017. It catches you all up from our last post in 2014.
I just rocked our little guy and placed him into his crib for a nap...enjoying the sweetness of being able to hold him in my arms and kiss his head and hands. Many things cross my mind while I rest in the silence of the nursery, and I realized it has been about two and a half years since we last posted here. Some blogger I am! :) But then again, maybe less is more in this day and age.
A whole lot of life has happened since we posted in early summer of 2014. Many people have asked how we have been doing and what we have been up to since our big move to the East Coast from Atlanta in October of 2015. I'll briefly fill you in on our lives, including the highs and lows we've experienced in this time and over the course of the last 2+ years. Then I'll share about what God has been teaching me/us as a family and where this blog may go from here.
On December 26, 2014, after 44 hours of active labor, I gave birth to our miracle son and "gentle warrior," Miles David Bruso, at North Fulton Hospital in Roswell, Georgia. He weighed 9 pounds and 1 ounce, and he was 22 inches long. BIG baby. Physically, I recovered well and quickly. Emotionally, I was thrilled to be a mama but experienced significant anxiety around the vastness of life change that happened almost all at once. My husband and I decided long before I was pregnant that it would be best for our future children and our family as a whole if I resigned from my full time job as a therapist in order to be at home during the early years. I am not naturally a domestic person, and I had always thrived on the inherent structure of career life. In addition, I had worked full time outside the home for some 16 years...nearly half my life. Not only did I miss my coworkers when I resigned, but all of a sudden, I had this little person relying on me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. My husband is a very present, hands-on dad, but no one can replace mom. I felt the weight of the awesome yet intense responsibility to help this child stay alive and thrive. Nothing in any of my careers prepared me for that. I struggled, I cried and I reached out to friends and family members. Some of them understood and encouraged me, while others tried to fix me or simply withdrew from me. Life goes that way at times, but I wasn't able to shake it off easily. I would internalize the sadness and anxiety and beat myself up for every little thing.
When Miles was 5 weeks old, my mom was diagnosed with a softball-sized olfactory groove meningioma, a benign frontal lobe brain tumor, and blood clots in her legs and lungs. She underwent a 14-hour surgery for the clots and tumor removal the morning after being diagnosed. Miraculously, she came out of those surgeries very well and has recovered in many ways. When Miles was 13 weeks old, our beloved and healthy dog, Tango, suddenly began having grand mol seizures. After treatment, consultations and research, we concluded he likely had a brain tumor because he wasn't responding to treatment. Soon thereafter we made the heartbreaking decision to euthanize him. He died in my arms as Matt and I prayed over him and thanked him for the many years of sheer joy he gave us. I promptly went home from the vet with a tear-stained face and puffy eyes to nurse my son and continue grieving. Thankfully God had brought Dottie into our lives, Miles' beloved adopted grandmother, who cared for him (and me) often so that I could begin to get my head above water. She is an angel in human form, and I think I even felt her wings when I hugged her.
Less than one month later, my mom had 7 grand mol seizures in a row in one day that were unrelated to her brain tumor and surgery. She was not expected to recover, but she did. Another miracle...yet I was reeling. All the while we were sinking financially, struggling in our marriage and experienced spiritual wounds from people we trusted (more on that in another post). I continued loving being a mama but now Miles was in the midst of a sleep regression after finally getting into a nice sleep rhythm. I expected sleep deprivation, but the kind that comes with babies is like no other! It felt like each time I took a step forward toward a new normal - life as a stay-at-home mama trying to connect with other moms - there would be another sleepless night, another week of congestion (read: long hours of rocking a restless babe by myself at home), another canceled play date. Disappointment. Change. More change. More debt. More arguing...essentially not knowing how to support each other through everything I just described. I felt like the trenches kept getting deeper, and I did not know where to turn since my feeble prayers seemed to hit the ceiling.
Matt sat me down one day and told me he wanted to do whatever it took for me to get better/feel better. We both knew I was struggling with postpartum depression, and we both knew that my integrative physician could help, Dr. Tasneem Bhatia ("Dr. Taz") at CentreSpring MD in Atlanta. God had used her to help us get pregnant, so we knew He could use her to help me get back to thriving. I made an appointment to see one of her associates, and less than two weeks after going, I began to feel better. The clouds over my heart and mind began to lift. Dr. Zach at CentreSpring had ordered some extensive blood work, and he caught my thyroid and progesterone deficiency. He also encouraged me to go to therapy to discuss transitioning to motherhood. He was wise and kind, and his advice sent me down the road back to wholeness.
In October of 2015, we moved to Virginia to be closer to my side of the family and open our own business. My husband partnered with the Lord and worked very hard to create a successful garage door company, Four Seasons Garage Doors. I have witnessed his growth in every area as he stepped out and fulfilled a longtime dream of his to become a business owner and operator. With the blessing of a successful company in a new state came the inevitable transitions of making new friends, finding a new church, getting to know a new area (which is very different now from when I grew up here) and finding new doctors and dentists.
What have I learned since that time? I've learned that it is possible to be a full time stay-at-home mom and still be me, do the things that I love and attend to my marriage and family. It would be another year and a half, essentially now [2016], until I would begin to find some balance. After all, motherhood is all-consuming at times. It's no joke keeping tiny humans alive and safe. I also learned about spiritual rest...to cease striving and "trying" to be close to God and simply receive everything He has to give: Peace, patience, love, kindness, gentleness, self-control, strength, joy and comfort. Remember that passage in Psalm 23:6? "Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever." God's goodness and love seeks after each one of us. Yes, that is the truth. We choose to receive, believe, embrace and give it, but we do that in response to Him and his kindness.
I have also learned that there are times when you must fight for your spouse and your marriage with all you've got. Both are totally worth it. Even if you don't have beautiful examples of marriage in your family of origin, and even if you don't know how to fight for them...you can get help and see victory. When you go through massive transitions in a short time, it often exposes your individual and collective strengths and weaknesses. There is nothing wrong with this; it's real life. The Lord does beautiful things when we allow our deepest selves to be exposed. Warning: The process of having our hearts exposed does not feel beautiful, but it is necessary in order to grow together. We have sought marriage counseling since moving to Virginia, and it is worth every minute of time and every penny spent. It is helping us heal from the spiritual wounds we suffered; it is helping us to know ourselves more so we can support the other in meaningful ways; it has freed us up emotionally because we've learned about our personality types and how we have been intentionally and specifically wired by God to bear His glory here on earth. Therapy has softened us both and given us a new compassion for the other as we see our weaknesses and learn to pray for each other in redemptive ways.
If you're wondering even for a moment if you should seek counseling, do yourself and those in your life a favor: Do it. You will never regret it. I am a therapist, and I need therapy. How's that for honesty? My honesty and your honesty sets an atmosphere of freedom for others to be themselves and maybe even seek the help they need. I want to be well; fully alive with a strong heart and clear mind. I believe this blog will morph into my sharing about my journey with God in marriage and motherhood by being as real as possible, and I'll be sharing wellness tips too. I bet my Beloved will make a "guest appearance" here and there as well :). Thanks so much for coming alongside me and us here on our blog.
