The Nudge

As I talked with two friends after church today, I felt the gentle nudge.  Not a physical nudge from a person or an animal, but a spiritual nudge to guide and remind me to "tell the story".  I immediately knew that God was helping me to have the courage to share a part of Matt and I's lives that has been quite painful at times.  He (the Lord) has been on me about this for some time now, and I keep saying, "Not yet."  It's interesting and ironic how the most confounding miracles often arrive after the darkest valleys of pain, brokenness, and growth.  So why have I intentionally procrastinated on sharing some of the most beautiful news we've received to date?  Fear.  Foreboding joy (the sense that the "other shoe will drop" at any point, so why be hopeful?).  Wondering when God may change his mind and take back his gifts, even though I know reneging on his word and taking back gifts are not in his character.  Yet I question and doubt because I'm human and because I have not lived long in this culture of honor, blessing, expectation of good and complete trust in God's love.  More on that in another post to come...

A little background to catch you up to speed on this particular chapter in Matt and I's lives:  In April of 2012, I was diagnosed with a Pituitary Microadenoma, a fancy term that denotes a tiny, benign tumor on the pituitary gland (PG - it's hard to keep retyping "pituitary"!).  The PG is pea-sized and located close to the center of the brain behind the nasal cavity.  Known as the "Master Gland," it is in charge of secreting hormones that control parts of the endocrine system such as the thyroid gland, adrenal gland, ovaries and testes.  The PG's hormone secretion pilots body processes from basic human growth to sex to metabolism to pain relief.  My particular type of tumor, albeit tiny and not visible to the untrained eye even on a contrast MRI, hijacked my prolactin hormone and told my PG to produce copious amounts.  Along with other functions, prolactin is the breastfeeding hormone that is typically only elevated during pregnancy and after birth while actively breastfeeding.  This is why pregnant and lactating women generally do not have menstrual cycles (generally because there's always an anomaly), one of God's great gifts to women when we are busy creating and growing little humans.  As my PG produced more and more prolactin, I stopped having a period which is what tipped me off that something was amiss with my health.  I saw my traditional OB/Gyn nurse practitioner who was ready to diagnose me with Hypothyroidism simply because I have family history of this disease.

When I would not accept this simplistic, possible diagnosis because of my knowledge of the body AND of my Almighty God, I saw a wonderful holistic/integrative MD, Dr. Taz Bhatia.  I wanted to understand what was happening in my body and why.  This began a 2-year and counting relationship with the best doctor and one of the most amazing women I've ever met.  Dr. Taz has her own story as to how she landed in integrative and holistic medicine, but before you think I have no respect for western medicine, she is a fully trained ER doctor, women's specialist and board-certified pediatrician.  Have I mentioned that she's also fully trained in eastern medicine practices, including acupuncture?  She's incredibly balanced in her thinking and does not give credence to only one perspective or diagnosis.  She understands that disease is merely a collection of symptoms in the body that manifest because of toxic overload and/or nutrient deficiency for an extended period of time (that may or may not have originated genetically).  After several tests including extensive blood work, she recommended that I get a contrast MRI done to rule out a PG tumor.

Needless to say, just the word "tumor" sent me into a fear-filled darkness that caused me to question everything.  Should I break up with Matt since this may very well mean that I cannot ever conceive biologically?  Should I tell him what's happening and let him into the darkness with me?  We've been dating 2 months; what dude wants to deal with THIS possibility?  God, where are you and what's going to happen?  The Holy Spirit brought the Scripture in Psalm 25 to mind and comforted me, May honesty and integrity protect me, for my hope is in you (paraphrase).  I knew then that I needed to tell Matt, but WOW, was I ever terrified.  I wasn't certain at that point in our relationship that he was The One for me, but I knew he brought peace and security into my life that I had not yet experienced with a man.  I just did not know how he would respond to this newfound possibility that my beloved PG may have betrayed me.  Well, this card did not trump my suitor's growing love for me in the least.  He simply responded by saying that if things continued and we were to be married, he indeed loved children from all over the world...i.e. he was prepared to adopt children with me happily.  I could not have asked for more, except that I really hoped the MRI would show nothing and my PG and prolactin level would just return to their normal, healthy states.

The MRI results came back, and I was then definitively diagnosed with a Pituitary Microadenoma.  I had been researching in between doctors' appointments and the MRI, so I was prepared and knew that my future as a mama was still bright.  The typical treatments for this condition involve hormone therapy and sometimes surgery through the nasal cavity to remove the tumor (no, thank you!!).  I remain tremendously grateful to Dr. Taz for her conservative, positive approach.  She recommended some diet changes to include lowering my gluten intake, adding some vitamin supplements to support hormone balance and adding a bio-identical, prescription progesterone to increase my progesterone level which would in turn decrease my prolactin level.  All of this worked toward two ends:  Reducing any inflammation in my body (one primary cause of any disease) and lowering my prolactin level to restart my menstrual cycle.  While this did not matter in the short term for Matt and I, once we decided to get engaged and married very shortly thereafter, the long term was upon us and a reality we did not ignore. 

We decided not to prevent pregnancy from the beginning of our marriage, and we prayed specifically prior to marriage for God to give us biological and adopted children at the exact right time.  One Sunday at church in May of 2013, a precious woman, Melissa, who I had not yet met approached me during worship to share a message the Lord had given her for me.  Bear in mind that Matt had not met her either, and only 1-2 people in our church were aware at that point of our desire to conceive and adopt children as well as our struggle to wait on the Lord.  Melissa was not yet one of those people, and the ones with whom we had shared were akin to locked vaults.  Well, the Lord literally opened and revealed our personal, spiritual mail to Melissa that day and instructed her to let us know what was to come.  She took me aside and prophesied clearly and articulately to me about our biological child/ren, stating that she had seen a vision in worship entailing my womb being encased in glass and chains.  The Lord was in the process of breaking the chains that bound my womb, and He had assigned angels to guard my womb and usher in a child.  She told me that I needed to write this down, pray over it and hold onto it because the Lord would bring it to pass.  Then she prayed for me both in words I could understand and in the Spirit, and an incredible peace surrounded me.  During the many days, weeks and months that followed, my faith and spirit grew weary.  Melissa gently reminded me of God's promise and supported me through my sadness over continually not getting pregnant.  Matt and I were both completely blown away by God's message through Melissa one year ago, though we just didn't know when...or how...the Lord would fulfill his promise.

As we celebrated our first year of marital bliss in the North Georgia mountains in November of 2013, we could not have been happier even though we longed for children.  Several negative pregnancy tests later, discouragement began to seep into both of our hearts.  Not long after our anniversary, we attended two friends' wedding in Marietta and had a God-ordained conversation with our friend, Aisha.  She shared about her non-profit work in mentoring children in the Georgia foster care system.  A light bulb went off in both of our minds and spirits, and we talked the whole way home about starting our adoption at that time.  We decided to kick off the process at the beginning of the new year, 2014.  Although we had originally felt led to adopt internationally, the Lord clearly showed us the extraordinary need for adoptive families in Georgia given the 7,700+ children in foster care statewide.  Matt texted me at work one day to share that he was convinced we had made the right decision to pursue adoption as he looked at the Wednesday's Child website and shed tears over the waiting children.  God gave us another revelation about the potential birth order of our children:  Perhaps our adopted child was to come into our family first to meet his or her specific need for security and identity.  It was settled, we were adopting and we went full speed ahead.  Even though the Department of Family and Children's Services (DFCS) is known for its red tape and inefficiency, we met and got to know many individuals who worked there with deeply caring and helpful souls.  The process of criminal background clearances, drug tests, CPR/First Aid Certification, and 23 hours of foster/adoptive parent training was intense and brought one of many crucial issues to light:  The child we would adopt will be coming from a challenging situation varying from physical/sexual/emotional abuse to neglect to parental death.

Adoption & foster care orientation at DFCS - January 23, 2014

We talked, prayed and grieved together the reality of our child's situation and this fallen world that such systems even exist.  We invited a select group of people to pray into this process with us and celebrate this chapter in our lives.  It was and remains very important to us to be thoughtful and intentional about who speaks into our lives and the lives of our (future) children.  After all, the tongue has the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21).  Following our orientation with DFCS on January 23, 2014, we gathered and filled out paperwork like madmen, attended 3-hour classes on Thursday evenings and finished the entire process and the home study on Friday, March 28, 2014.  Then we began the wait for our adoptive parent approval, a 3-pronged, extensive process that goes through county and state-level child welfare employees before culminating in a 'yay' or 'nay'.  We are currently still waiting for our precious approval notice to this day and have been told that it will probably arrive this summer...at some point.

Below you'll see photos of us finishing up the paperwork phase of our adoption :).

My Love and I graduating from adoptive parent training - March 27, 2014

L to R:  Beau & Courtney Garrett (and baby Ellis in the womb), me & Matt, Emily Bruso (sister-in-law), Michelle Hansens (Matt's sister), and Lara Brown (Matt's sister) - March 27, 2014

In the meantime, I got a minor sinus infection in late April and slowed down in order to get better.  Only as the cough disappeared, I began experiencing nausea that I can only compare to carsickness in Costa Rica while driving 4 hours on a mountain road to get to a volcano and hot springs.  The only exception was the nausea did not stop at any point in the day and it worsened at night.  I also started having serious food aversions, including meat, vegetables, and sweets.  What other food groups exist in my world?  At that point, only organic saltines and Diet Coke...perfect options for this low-gluten, anti-artificial sweetener gal.  I still thought nothing of it because I had just recovered from a sinus infection and figured I must have caught a stomach bug (the likes of which hadn't come near me in probably 30 years).  My energy waned badly, and I'd immediately get into bed after work around 6pm.  Matt was incredibly attentive and kind in caring for me, and he took over all food prep, as the smell of food made me gag.  I had begun taking a medicine prescribed by Dr. Taz called Bromocryptine, which works to decrease prolactin production in those with overachieving PGs like mine :).  Once I reached the maximum prescribed dose, nausea often set in and became my unwelcome friend.  The positive part was that as long as my stomach was not empty, the nausea subsided within an hour of each dose (once in the morning and once at night).   Between thinking I had a stomach bug with no symptoms other than constant nausea and wondering if my medicine was beginning to adversely affect me, I contacted Dr. Taz for advice.  She suggested decreasing the Bromocryptine to the lowest efficacious dose.  I did so immediately, but it did not curb the nausea.

After three straight weeks of feeling terrible and having to cease working out and nearly stop even walking my dogs, I reluctantly took my last dollar store pregnancy test on May 16, 2014.  Matt was getting ready to do some errands but paused as I told him I was taking the test.  I told him to go ahead and that I'd call him if it was positive.  He wouldn't go and later told me that there was no faith in leaving his wife for an errand as she awaited the results of a PREGNANCY TEST.  What a sweet man the Lord has given me.  As the first of eventually three pregnancy tests immediately lit up positive, we were in shock and awe!!

No explanation necessary :)

We went to the doctor two weeks later, heard the babe's heartbeat and found out that I was 9 weeks along!  My due date is December 30, 2014, shortly after my 38th birthday.  Here's the kicker:  I still have not had a menstrual cycle in over 2 years.  God's supernatural, prophetic word to Melissa for us one year ago has absolutely manifested in the natural.  At just over 11 weeks pregnant, we are still waiting to be approved for our adoption and do not have a clear answer from the Lord or our own spirits as to what to do, timing, etc.  I want to be clear though:  We absolutely will adopt at some point, and we cannot wait to see God bring our child/ren into our family!  When the midwife asked us during our May 30th appointment if we would like to undergo a litany of genetic tests to determine the probability of our child having any number of diseases or defects, it didn't take us long to unequivocally say no, thank you.  This child is a promised gift from God and will join our family in the coming months with a leadership anointing on his or her life, including strengthening and calming others in crises.  We are preparing to welcome him or her and his or her siblings by adoption or biologically in the future.  I recently heard that delayed answers lead to greater relief.  Well, that is completely true.  The relief and joy that follow intense trials (many of which I have not yet shared), are such beautiful gifts from heaven.

First ultrasound on May 30, 2014 - 1 day shy of 9 weeks pregnant!

To all of our friends, family, and readers:  We would absolutely love to stand with you and pray with you for your personal breakthrough in any area of your life.  Feel free to share in the comments, message me on FB or contact me privately via my email address on the blog.  Thank you for taking the time to share in our lives by reading this - we believe in your dreams, agree with you for breakthrough and long to see you welcome God the Father's love and closeness as you wait.  What he does for one, he will do for another, and we will be interceding for you and saying, "Do it again, Lord!"   

Love, Chrissy & Matt