Two months ago, on January 26, 2023, I was watching my belly slowly expand as our baby boy crested 10 weeks old in utero. I noted "10 weeks" with three hearts next to it in my journal that morning. Each day and each week that passed were miraculous. I was so deeply elated to be pregnant and beginning to need my beloved maternity clothes again. Holding my growing belly in private moments was such a joy. I looked forward to those first flutters, then kicks and eventually full body rolls to come in the womb. My husband and I chose not to do an initial ultrasound but instead we opted to do genetic testing alongside the early pregnancy bloodwork to ensure baby was developing well. We anticipated sharing the news about my pregnancy with our children and our families once the genetic (and gender) test results came back.
The Lord impressed on me very early in this pregnancy that I was carrying a boy. And then came his name: Monty Hawk Bruso. Monty means "mountain," and Hawk is the strong, fast and beautiful bird of prey with keen eyesight and hearing. Another strong arrow in our quiver...thank you, Lord! We prayed, waited and hoped for this baby for years. Both of our children have expressed the desire for another sibling on many occasions, and we were preparing to share the glorious news with them and our families: Sometime in August, we would welcome a new baby boy to our family.
I held the news of pregnancy close in order to protect my heart. As an adult woman, a mom, a therapist and holistic health advocate, I was aware of the potential risks and complications of being pregnant in my 40s. Our daughter was born when I was 41. After Matt and I decided to try for one more baby, I worked closely with my integrative physician that I'd worked with in all of my previous pregnancies. I got bloodwork and followed each of her directives exactly. I was very active as I'd always been and took each of the recommended supplements daily to ensure that this baby had the best possible beginning to life.
All was well and normal until the day I made it to 10 weeks pregnant. I'd experienced mild nausea and some shortness of breath when exercising from 6-10 weeks, which I was happy to experience. I knew that meant my HCG levels were likely rising and baby was growing. Once I experienced some cramping and light bleeding at exactly 10 weeks, my heart dropped. I knew the implications of bleeding and cramping in pregnancy, and I also knew (and know) the One who created this baby and continued to knit him together in my womb. He said yes to this pregnancy, this baby and this season of my life. Our lives. I would turn to Him and not statistics. I would declare life over this baby, not death. I would admit my fears and struggles around the possibility of losing him, but I would then reach out to a handful of people who prayed, checked in and spoke abundant life over our baby, pregnancy and me. I am so thankful God led me to do that. Those precious people are still lifting us up, checking in and speaking life and healing over us. Oh, the balm over my heart from such kindness is difficult to quantify. I am thankful.
I spoke with my knowledgeable and gracious midwife soon after things started shifting, and she prescribed a higher dose of progesterone. She also placed me on pelvic rest for two weeks to let things calm down with baby. If I was possibly miscarrying due to low progesterone, this would stop that process. My progesterone had been on the lower side of normal the week prior when my bloodwork was done, so I hoped and prayed that this would help. I continued to live and be active with my family, just not too active. I followed each of my midwife's directives and trusted in the Lord. As a believer, she was also praying for us. How comforting and reassuring. I did all I could in the natural and prayed in the supernatural. Although I felt afraid, I also felt held...by Jesus, my husband and our friends/intercessors. I was not alone. What a gift.
We attended our son's basketball game two days later, and Matt and I went on a date later that day to a new-to-us restaurant, Cooper's Hawk Restaurant and Winery. I chose that restaurant weeks ago in honor of Matt and his recent birthday. He loves wildlife, nature and especially wild birds. He notices every hawk wherever we go, and he often photographs them and shares his captures with the kids and I. We excitedly sat down in the restaurant and looked at the menu, chatting about various things and commenting on how nice it was to be together and alone at a new place. We ordered, got our food pretty quickly and began to eat. About halfway through, I knew right away that my body was miscarrying. We shuffled to the restroom, which was quite awkward considering what was happening. I knew I needed Matt to be with me, and we found a private family restroom across the hall from the main restrooms. Another gift. Matt held me as I cried and helped me through it all. He prayed over me, our baby and us. He quietly found our server, let her know we had an emergency and had to leave, paid for our meal and brought our car near to the restaurant. I had placed some clothes in the back of my car in bags to soon donate, so Matt brought some inside for me. Those aptly placed clothes were yet another gift. We were able to slip away from the restaurant and get right home.
Home sweet home, where our children were playing with our wonderful babysitters and blissfully unaware of what was taking place with me. Where we have raised Miles for most of his life and where Violet has spent her entire life. Where we have worked through many challenges, celebrated many victories, apologized for many missteps and hurt feelings. Where I miscarried once before, 6 years ago, and also healed. The pain of continued contractions pulled on me that night as I connected with our kids and helped them get ready for bed. We fell asleep together with Jesus' comfort wrapped around us. Gratitude and grief filled my heart and my eyes with tears.
My body was helping to usher baby Hawk into heaven. I miss him. We miss him. I so badly want to hold him, nurse him and raise him. We are so sad and disappointed that he is not still here with us, growing and preparing to burst onto the scene of our lives in a few months' time. We grieve with hope though, and we know we want to be where he is when the time comes. In the arms of Jesus, joyfully worshipping and no longer in pain. We found out two days after his death via genetic test results that Hawk was indeed a boy, and he had Mosaic Trisomy 22, which is responsible for many first trimester miscarriages. We want to do everything possible to honor this precious baby's brief life, so we are trying to follow each prompting of the Lord to bless others as we grieve. I chose to go ahead and give away all of my maternity clothes that I adored to a mama in need. It was painful but also part of healing and trusting the Lord to bring purpose to the pain. Hawk's life is already bringing blessing and encouragement to others, and I don't see that stopping on this side of eternity.
Four days after Hawk's death, Matt spotted this beautiful Cooper's Hawk pictured below. God continues to reveal Himself to us in many ways, and baby Hawk is now an integral part of the tapestry of our lives and relationship with God.
No comments:
Post a Comment